He watches MST3K

Risotto is normally a dish made with arboreal riceand hella cheese, which is an italian short grain rice. It’s known for being starchy as hell. So risotto can be made with other things, as long as they are super starchy. We can talk rice till the ewe’s come home, but for now., LET’S MAKE SOME FOOODZZZ 

STUFF

• 1 C Barley
• 2 Boxes of Stock / 8 Cups Chicken or Veggie Broth
• 1 Clove Garlic
• 1 Shallot
• 1 Handful of SHROOOMS! PICK YOUR FAVORITE! (Crimini, Morels, Chanterelles  are good)
• Some Thyme for taste
• A (east) BAY LEAF
• A bunch of PARMESAN CHEESE (And Pecorino if you fancy that)
• SOME WHITE WINE, I don’t CARE WHAT, as long as it’s good

STEPS

Pour all that stock in a sauce pan, put it on low and bring it to a simmer. Smash your garlic with your fish/soup can or pan. Open those suckers and finely chop them. Yank open that shallot and dice it. I SAID DICE, NOT CHOP. Now you can slice or julienne or chop your mushrooms, PERSONAL TASTE SON. Now, heat up a bigger sauce pan or pot on MEDIUMMMMMMM. Pour in some olive oil and the shallots and cook those until they start to turn a little seee throughy. Once that starts, throw in the garlic and cook the shallots until they be cooked mon. Throw in them mushrooms too. When you start to see the wet stuff drying up and its about to get a little like, burny, throw in a few glugs of white wine, DEGLAZZZEE MOFOS! Let that cook for min, get all the booozel out. Now, your first pot of stock should be slightly bubbly and hot. Pour in a few cups of the hot stock into your mushrooms mix pot. Now add the Barley, herbs. Now comes the fun part. STARE AT THIS POT ON MEDIUM. STARE AT IT UNTIL THE LIQUID STARTS TO GO AWAY. AS SOON AS THE LIQUID IS LEAVING THE TOP PARTS OF THE BARLEY DRY, ADD MORE MORE MOREOMREOMREOMEMROEMROME STOCK! Repeat this until the barley is all cracked open and mostly soft. The liquid should be thick and creamy. When you think you like the constancy, PULL IF FROM THE FIREEEEE! Taste it, add salt, pepper. Taste it, Add more, taste it. If you f’d it up, it’s your fault. Taste, add, taste, add, it’s not hard. GRATE UP THOSE CHEEESES AND ADD IT 1 TBS at a TIME. ADD, TASTE, ADD, TASTE, KEEP ADDING UNTIL YOU GET THIS CREAMY, CHEESE PORRIDGE OF THE HEAVENS!

Friend: What’s that?

You: It’s barley.

Friend: Like raisin bran?

You: No like MOFO RISOORTOTOOTOTOTO!!!!!!!! FUUUSSS ROOO DAAA!

Friend: Oh. Sounds good.

You: Quite.